by Tina Cruz, Clinician
Madeline Centre, Inc.

Parenting often causes confused and distorted thinking. From the dull reality of the daily grind, to the absence of adult interaction and the emotional stress of just trying to be a good parent, to the endless piles of laundry, shopping, cooking, and countless other daily irritants, it’s no wonder we’re occasionally brought to the point of wondering “what are you trying to do kill me?” Well…sort of. Truly, what better way is there to increase our window of stress tolerance? After all, it is much easier (and safer) to develop patience in the company of our children rather than that of our co-workers!

So what is the good news? Our children are wonderful gifts. They reflect the best and worst in us giving us the opportunity to see ourselves as we truly are. Children are resilient, they need and desire our love so deeply that they freely forgive us and return their love to us as we are able to love them.

Confused and distorted thinking (arising from the stresses of life) often cause us to focus on both the negative behavior of our children and on our own negative behavior and lack of skills in showing our love. I recently listened to a dedicated home-schooling mother of five speak at a women’s conference. She started out sharing about the struggle that she had in feeling confident to speak to our group because she often felt that she was a terrible mother, poisoning her kids by her stress and frustration, thinking even that they would be better without her. Wow! How does that happen? This mother’s fear and stress was causing her negative behavior to escalate because she was unable to calm herself down and appreciate all the good that she offered her family on a daily basis. Remember the endless list above? It is so easy to focus only on the areas where we feel we are coming up short.

As a young mother I had six children in eight years. I put a tremendous amount of extra pressure on myself due to high expectations I had of what a loving mother would do. During those early years I home-schooled my children and always worried that I was not meeting their emotional and spiritual needs. I had a lofty goal of spending at least 20 minutes a day (one on one and without interruption) with each of my children. From time to time I would be renewed in my attempt to implement this goal and I would accomplish it for a few days before the circumstances of life interrupted my plans, threw me off course, and plunged me into survival mode once again.

One day in a moment of calm, clear, rational thinking I realized that any effort which resulted in my spending some quality time with my children strengthened my relationship with them. As I began to lower my expectations I stopped feeling guilty about all the things I wasn’t doing and my perspective began to shift, as did my level of stress resulting in a much happier and more peaceful home. I was able to morph from an army sergeant mom, demanding to be in control, to a mom who learned to let many things go in order to focus on the joys of being a mom. Gradually, I was able to see the beauty and creativity coming forth from my child sitting in his room in the midst of a pile of Legos, puzzles, and hot wheels, instead of the seeing the “mess” of his room. As I became more sensitive to my family’s needs, and feelings they became much more receptive to helping when asked and responding to my times of stress with more love and patience.

It truly is a matter of perspective.

Tina R. Cruz